Florida Man Goes Shopping

grocery cart with item
Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

Here is a little story that came to mind while showering. If you are from Florida and offended by this story, please do not tackle me and eat my face.

WIthout further ado (or editing), here it is:

FLORIDA MAN GOES SHOPPING

“Honey, could you get me a pack of Pall Malls, a box of crackers, and two of those cheap pregnancy tests?”

Frank Malone rolled off his couch onto the floor. His common-law wife sat on her favorite folding chair, glass of box wine already in hand.

“Is it 9:00 am already?” he asked. She nodded and he pushed himself up off the sticky carpeted floor of their trailer.

A few minutes later, he had put on his best sweatpants and flip-flops before he walked out the door to make the mile-long trek to the store. The octogenarian neighbors, recently from Oregon, waved politely at him. He wondered why there were no native old people in Florida, but the thought left his shriveled brain once he realized that he could get his special food at the store!

Through some sort of magic, the grocery store door opened by itself when he approached. Frank sauntered in and began grabbing the requested items. Down the aisle containing his favorite food, a young woman in an apron with the store’s logo on it struggled to put a box of bleach on a shelf.

“Ya got any of the new flavor of bath salts?” he inquired.

“Don’t you mean scent?”

“No.”

She pointed out the location and he put it in his shopping cart. He ignored the sound of the box of bleach falling to the ground and the woman’s curses. Time to check out!

At the register, his total came to $37.62 and upon reaching into his pants, only an old, moldy taco came out.

“I can pay ya tomorrow, but the wife really need this stuff today!”

“No. You can come back—”

Before the cashier finished speaking, Frank had the plastic bag in hand and was already in motion toward the door with store security in hot pursuit. A flip-flop flew off his foot and hit the store security guard in the face. This brief distraction was enough to allow him to escape.

The sounds of sirens stalked his steps as he hustled home. She was going to be upset with him if he brought the police back to their home again this week, so he made a detour toward the beach.

When he reached the edge of the ocean, he pulled off his sweatpants, causing many a mother to shield the eyes of their children. He waded into the ocean and began bellowing an song older than than humanity.

Answering the summons, a manatee floated toward him. Frank hopped on its back and slapped its tail.

“Let’s go buddy! YEE-HAW!”

The police scrambled onto the beach as he floated away. One office drew his revolver, but the other held out a hand to stop him.

“Manatees are endangered. We can’t shoot. Looks like he got away this time.”

Time to go to Cha’alt!

At the request of one of my players, I am going to tell you the story of Yasid the Florida Man’s ‘dick-capitation’.

Yasid found a swimming pool deep in the spaceship with glittering gold and gems sitting at the bottom. He immediately jumped in.

As a Florida Man, he does not wear clothes. He travels the world skyclad. No need to worry about trying to swim in armor!

Dispelling the illusion it cast on itself, a strange creature attacked poor Yasid.

Eye of the Deep
This is NOT something you want to meet in a swimming pool.

In the ensuing attack, Yasid fell to zero hp from a bite attack, but the party was able to kill the creature and rescue him. Because we are playing ACKS, that meant it was time to roll on the Mortal Wounds table.

Guess what the result was?

“Your genitals are damaged (cannot reproduce, -3 to reaction rolls if loss of manhood / womanhood is known).”

Could there be a more Floridian result? Due to the attack that brought Yasid to zero hp being a bite attack and the fact that he is nude, I decided that the creature bit off his wang.

So the party went back to an empty room I had stocked with some robotic surgeons and asked for a prosthetic phallus to be attached to Yasid. They agreed and even gave it a fresh coat of paint so that it would match his skin tone. Now he also has a ring of regeneration. We’ll see what happens over the next few game weeks…

They never went back to look for the gold and gems at the bottom of the pool.

Long story short, the party has finished exploring the crash spaceship found in “Expedition to the Barrier Peaks”. Where to next?

CHA’ALT

CHA'ALT
Full disclosure: I backed this on Kickstarter and offered some feedback on an in-process version of the product.

They found a couple maps to Cha’alt in random treasure piles, so they know the names of most of the various places in the Cha’altian desert. To get there, they had to sail through the Chartreuse Sea. A Chartreuse Sand Worm came out of the depths to attack their ship. Using its mind powers, it compelled the captain (who failed his saving throw) to throw himself into its mouth.

Now, due to the oracular power of the dice, the party owns the ship.

So where did they decide to go first? Ascenda’as. They want to raid it for more high technology.

What was the plan? Walk up the front gate and ask if the Ascenda’as-ites want to hear the word of Ulusek. I suppose that is one way to get into a heavily guarded area.

However, the people of Ascenda’as do not want any proselytizers and will attempt to remove them with extreme prejudice.

The session ended there. We pick up next week!

[BIG DISCLAIMER. While I am running Cha’alt, it is being run through an interpretive lens based on the party’s previous adventures. For example, the conjoined god Ulusek-Lokvarr. It appeared in ‘Liberation of the Demon Slayer’ and I am deliberately inserting it in Cha’alt.)

THE PARTY
– Glevina Dangerously (Elven Ranger who has survived ever since ‘Liberation of the Demon Slayer’. Her teeth have been replaced with sharp metal ones.)
– Kiki (Cthonic Witch. Incredibly low wisdom. She loves to either seduce or eat sentient beings.)
– Felicity the Docile (Human Cleric. Wears sci-fi power armor, because why not?)
– Yasid (Florida Man. Need I say more?)
– Luxedar (Mothpeople Knight. With four arms, he can wield a polearm and shields at the same time.)
– Bambi Scrumptious (Mothpeople Light-Taker. Four arms = four phasers. Pew Pew!)
– Billy the Buff (Normal man. Shirtless guy that helps haul all their stuff.)

Is Monotheism Possible In Your TTRPG?

St. Cuthbert. Pelor. Ilmater. Ulusek-Lokvarr.

Tabletop fantasy games are famous for their polytheistic pantheons. There are entire supplements dedicated to odd gods for players to worship.

But what about monotheism? Is it playable?

Anything is playable! You can be the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight, a Florida Man, or a mothperson, after all!

Here is an idea on how to handle monotheism in a fantasy world:

Different divine classes or cleric domains or spell lists associated with a particular order or saint. They still all worship the single deity, but each has a different focus.

For example, ACKS has the traditional cleric, blade dancer (light armor-wearing female with swords), priestess (more spells, but no armor or fighting ability and must follow certain rules), and shaman (nature-focused divine spellcaster). Each of these has special powers and some slightly different spells on their spell list.

Imagine that the cleric follows St. Michael the Archangel, the blade dancer follows St. Joan of Arc, the priestess follows St. Agnes of Rome, and the shaman follows St. Francis of Assisi.

This idea was inspired by looking into potentially joining either the Catholic Church or Orthodox Church. Obviously, this is for a fantasy game and does not necessarily reflect actual practices of any non-heretical group. Before the comment section fills up with Catholic and Orthodox folks trying to sway me one way or the other, here are some Spurdos, which are the best arguments for converting:

In a monotheistic game world, I would keep devils and demons in it. They give power to evil clerics. Evil clerics would be just as powerful as good ones, not because evil is equal to good, but simply because sinful mortal vessels cannot properly channel the true power of Good, but they are adept at wielding Evil. That is why a Xth level good cleric is just as powerful as a Xth level evil cleric!

Now my current game is polytheistic as heck, but I wonder if anyone has ever played in a more monotheistic setting. Does it work in practice? Or is polytheism the way to go?

Requiem for an Assassin

There hasn’t been an update from the Sunday night ACKS game in a while. We’re still playing Expedition to the Barrier Peaks (and spots are open!). This past Sunday had not 1, but 2 character deaths!

Meet Niblog the Untrustworthy.

Niblog the Untrustworthy
Handsome fellow, ain’t he?

Niblog has been with the party a looooooooooong time. Even was turned to stone for a while.

He got better.

But unfortunately, after tangling with some large spiders…he succumbed to poison. Save or die is a hard way to game, but my players are made of the sternest stuff imaginable.

F.png
All my electronic gamer bros… you know what to do!

The player rolled up a new character…with 4 Strength and 6 Intelligence. Sometimes 3d6 in a row can screw you over. But, he went with the punches and we now have a Mothperson Light-Taker with us!

Our second death requires a bit more set-up. Back in Liberation of the Demon Slayer, the party freed a hobgoblin slave who was more intelligent than your normal hobgoblin. He agreed to be a torchbearer / accountant. We also have a dwarven vaultguard henchwoman… henchlady… henchfemale?

The party likes to tease and insult the hired help. Also, they like to put them in danger.

A few sessions ago, the party found a magical helmet. Not knowing what to do with it, they told the dwarf to put it on. She did so and her alignment changed from Lawful to Chaotic! Due to the bloodthirstiness of the party, they didn’t notice the change in her right away.

Until this session.

Question 1: When there is a strange opening close to the ground (aka a big hole in the spaceship), what do you do?

Answer 1: If you’re the party, you send the hobgoblin to look at with the torch.

Questions 2: If you are a chaotic dwarven vaultguard who has heard the party make statements about hobgoblins not being people, what do you do?

Answer 2: Kick him down the hole and laugh!

Now we have a problem. The party realized that the dwarf’s helmet caused an alignment shift, so a quick ‘Remove Curse’ later and it is gone. Like tears in the rain.

Hopefully, no Florida Men find it…

Wendy’s Made A Tabletop RPG

Wendy’s made a tabletop RPG system. Setting, character creation, an “adventure path”, and a short bestiary. And released it for free. With good art. 97 pages, plus character sheets.

Wendy’s.

The fast food restaurant.

Let that sink in.

I’ll wait.

Here’s the website: https://www.feastoflegends.com/

Is this RPG any good? Read below!

QUEEN
Is Wendy the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter of Red Sonja? Also, if I wasn’t already married, I would ask if she needs a king!

Before I go any further, let me make a few things clear:

1) This is a free product.
2) I am more of an old school D&D person and this system has the fingerprints of new school D&D.
3) I suspect that the corporate higher-ups at Wendy’s interfered with certain gameplay elements.
4) It uses the term ‘GM’. 🙂
5) There is a lot of sassy humor.

Let’s go through the book.

STATS

You have 5 stats: Strength, Intelligence, Charm, Arcana, & Grace. Your total in the stat will give you a modifier from -2 to +4 These stats are also related to your saving throws. For example, if you have 13 Arcana, you have a +2 Arcana modifier. A trap requires you to roll an Arcana save. You roll 1d20 + 2 to see if you save or not.

Strength: C’mon, you know what this does. You hit harder.
Intelligence: How smart you are. It’s divorced from magical ability, so you can be a dingus with magic.
Charm: It’s Charisma the way new school D&D does it. Not force of personality that lets you lead men to their death on the field of battle (with a side order of sweet-talking ability), but how great you are at social interactions.
Arcana: Your magical ability.
Grace: Basically Dexterity.

How do you roll your stats? 4d4.

4 for 4

Also, in what I assume was corporate interference (how do we make money on this free RPG?), the actual food that you, the player eat at the table, comes into play.

If you eat Wendy’s food, you get a game-long bonus. Eat non-Wendy’s food? Game-long penalty.

CLASSES

Next are the classes… err… Orders.

Each one is named after a Wendy’s menu item. So you can join the Order of the Baconator, Order of the Chicken Nuggets, the Order of the Frosty, etc.

Frosty
Throwing shade at Mickey D’s!

These include your basic fighting, magic, and thief-type. Interestingly enough, there isn’t any mention of religion or clerics. Healing is done by several classes in small doses.

Maximum level is 5 (milestone leveling up only) and one or two abilities are given each level. Other than stats, magical items, and roleplaying, a level 5 Order of the Chicken Nuggets character is the same as any other Order of the Chicken Nuggets character. The rolls of the player, their adventures, and the player make each character different.

Ridiculous character builds are not in this game. Good!

“ADVENTURE PATH”

Now onto the “adventure path”. It is designed to take a character from 1st level to 5th level on a railroad series of adventures.

Less said, the better. Except, let’s talk setting. A bunch of lands that are thinly-veiled references to other fast food restaurants and the whole “fresh not frozen beef” that Wendy’s advertises. The Wendy’s land is the big good and every else is, at bare minimum, not as good, if not evil. The big bad is the “Ice Jester”.

What fast food restaurant has frozen beef and a clown-like mascot?

HHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?

But, hey, this made me laugh.

Degenerates
Insert “Todd_Howard_Degenerates.jpeg” here

The end of the book contains a few magical items and monster to fight. With a little work, you could important these monsters into 5E or vice-versa.

All in all, for a free product, I am blown away with what was done with it. Not my cup of tea, but impressive nonetheless. The system appears functional and not just a big joke.

Would I play this? As a fun one-shot with some friends? Sure! I’ll bring all my dice to my local Wendy’s and see if they will kick me out after 15 minutes.

As a serious long-term campaign? No.

TL;DR I would play this over 5E any day!

Should There Be GM Training?

After the below exchange, I got to thinking.

Twitter

“Why do we need basic GM-ing advice given out to each new generation of GMs?”

Obviously, new people need to be trained on any process, job, procedure, etc. However, many GMs (myself very much included) jump in with no formal knowledge or training. Pick up a rulebook and give it a go!

While that kind of can-do attitude is admirable, it can also be a recipe for disaster. I still shudder at some of the things I did at university. If any of you knew me then, I apologize for the crappy gaming I provided.

CHOO CHOO
Actual photo of me being a 3.5E GM at university, before I was enlightened to the OSR.

Anyway, back to the point.

When I started GM-ing, I had no mentor, read no books (other than the rule books), and read no blog posts or forums. I just heard about D&D (vague cultural knowledge) and decided to give it a try.

And I sucked. Bad. I was a terrible GM.

To this day, despite reading more and interacting with people much, much smarter than I am, I do not consider myself more than a mediocre GM.*

I suspect many GMs are in the same boat. People who picked up a rule book and decided to give GM-ing a go. People with minimal connection to experienced GMs (maybe there are connections to other newbie GMs, but that can compound errors).

No one formally trained me or mentored me. I just tried and failed and tried some more. GM-ing has been a trial-and-error experience. In many cases, I don’t know what I am doing. Just read a book or blog post or see a conversation on social media and think, “Let’s try that.”

Why do I care about this? Simple. I don’t want people to have terrible experiences at the table, due to newbie GM-ing mistakes. It’s better for someone to walk away from tabletop RPGs due to not trying and liking them, than for them to walk away due to a bad GM.

Because of virtual tabletops, not many people play face-to-face, so face-to-face mentorship is not possible for many people. Perhaps in the past, new GMs learned from old GMs, but that does not appear to be the norm anymore.

Worse still, the advent of “D&D streaming” may be a curse for new GMs. Maybe there are good streams that will show off true gameplay and some that might even include good GM advice. But, even if there are, there are undoubtedly 10 terrible grade-school-play-level acting sessions with dice rolling.

Now, I have been accused of telling other people how to have fun and that they are having the wrong kind of fun. Let’s clear that up right now:

If you enjoy “grade-school-play-level acting sessions with dice rolling”, that’s fine. Keep at it. But that’s not the kind of D&D everyone wants. Some men and women with red hot blood in their veins want to defy death in the deep dark dungeons of the world! They want to explore new worlds, conveniently laid out in hexes. They want to conquer the frontier to bring civilization (as well as put stacks of gold in their pockets). That’s what we need more of!

GO FORTH AND CONQUER

Any way… if you spend more time telling me what your character is rather than what the party has done

IGHT
“I’m a half-Tiefling, half-Half-Orc, half-Dragonborn Fighter/Wizard/Druid with long black hair and hazel eyes…”

So if an in-person GM mentor-ship is not feasible for most, what to do instead?

A class, perhaps? An online course for $497?

Teacher
“Class, your homework tonight is a 3-page essay on the significant differences between 1st edition AD&D and the Rules Cyclopedia. 10pt font in three columns, single-spaced.”

If such a thing existed, I certainly wouldn’t be qualified to teach it, nor could I justify that kind of expense. Is it something people want?

Maybe a series of blog posts?
– ‘From 0 to a decent GM: Here’s how’. Post 1, 2, 3, 4, etc

Maybe a recommended reading / podcast episode list?
– Read book X for world-building, blog post Y for making dungeons / mapping, podcast Z for building real-ish faux-medieval settings, etc.

For example: this book was particularly helpful to me and maybe it will help you, too: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07P9JCLB1/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0

These are just ideas I am brainstorming. What do you think?


* This is not me trying to “fish” for compliments. Just an honest assessment of my skills compared to others.

Mothpeople for ACKS!

Ever have a weird idea bouncing around in your skull for months? The kind of idea that eventually comes to fruition?

LAMP
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamp

I saw this picture online a while back. Don’t know where it came from or who the artist it. But the idea of a mothperson be attracted to an adventurer’s lamp stuck with me.

So, here is an attempt at creating a new race for ACKS and a couple classes to go with it.

Mothpeople have 4 arms to fight with and can fly. The two classes are the Mothpeople Knight, who defend the mothpeople and the Mothpeople Light-Taker, who explore the caves/dungeons that they live in.

I have also included the information you need to make new mothpeople classes if you want to.

Enjoy!

MOTHPEOPLE v1.0

The Ultimate AC Chart!

Converting adventures from one system to another, or using ‘system-neutral’ adventures with your preferred system, requires a little bit of work.

If, like me, your favorite system is the Adventurer, Conqueror, King System (ACKS), the trickiest part is converting the Armor Class of monsters and armor. It’s not hard, but it can be confusing if you aren’t paying attention.

img_20180822_114712-825649343.jpg
Come to the dark side, B/Xers!

Here is a handy chart for converting Armor Class, whether it is the broke ascending AC, the woke descending AC, or the bespoke ACKS AC:

Nude Dude.PNG
“Nude Dude” represents a normal person with no armor or special protection. No bonuses due to dexterity or magic items at all.

Hope this is helpful to you!

Tips & Tricks From The ‘Dungeon Samurai’ Trilogy

Dungeon Samurai

A while back, there was a Kickstarter for Kit Sun Cheah’s Dungeon Samurai trilogy and I did a little interview with the author.

Now all three books have been released and I read them all. Short version is that I enjoyed them, but the point of this post is not an in-depth review.

Without spoiling too much of the plot, here is what the series is about: an evil demon summoned a bunch of humans from Earth and brought them to its world, which contains a megadungeon. The humans are trying to fight their way to the bottom floor of the dungeon, because they believe that if they kill the demon at the bottom of the dungeon, they will get to go home.

“How do they get through the dungeon?”

Glad you asked that, dear reader!

They use several tactics that you should consider adopting for your dungeoneering party. As I read, I can’t believe I have never considered some of these ideas to conquer a dungeon. So if you ever find yourself going into a megadungeon, here are some of the ideas the characters used that you may want to consider:

1. Set up a fortress near the entrance (great place to start expeditions and a safe place to flee to when things go sideways)

2. Set up a standard marching formation (with rear protection) and specific plans for dealing with traps / doors. In the Temple of Elemental Evil game that I was a player in, we had a standard door-opening procedure we used for every door. Sounds a little boring, but we mostly stayed alive!

2a. To add to point 2, give each party member or henchman a specific job. Person A holds a lantern, person B has the ten-foot pole, the elf is a sacrifice valued member of the party, person C watches the rear, person D is the shot-caller, etc

3. Traps can be neutralized, not just avoided. Pit in the middle of the floor? Fill it with the cremated remains of every elf you have ever met sand!

The Amazon links for the books are below. Don’t let the Japanese in the titles scare you. I am 99.9999% ignorant of the Japanese language and I could read it just fine. It’s written in English!

Book 1

Book 2

Book 3


Full disclosure, I did back the Kickstarter. Just to be clear, I receive absolutely no financial benefit from any purchase of these books.