Here is a little story that came to mind while showering. If you are from Florida and offended by this story, please do not tackle me and eat my face.
WIthout further ado (or editing), here it is:
FLORIDA MAN GOES SHOPPING
“Honey, could you get me a pack of Pall Malls, a box of crackers, and two of those cheap pregnancy tests?”
Frank Malone rolled off his couch onto the floor. His common-law wife sat on her favorite folding chair, glass of box wine already in hand.
“Is it 9:00 am already?” he asked. She nodded and he pushed himself up off the sticky carpeted floor of their trailer.
A few minutes later, he had put on his best sweatpants and flip-flops before he walked out the door to make the mile-long trek to the store. The octogenarian neighbors, recently from Oregon, waved politely at him. He wondered why there were no native old people in Florida, but the thought left his shriveled brain once he realized that he could get his special food at the store!
Through some sort of magic, the grocery store door opened by itself when he approached. Frank sauntered in and began grabbing the requested items. Down the aisle containing his favorite food, a young woman in an apron with the store’s logo on it struggled to put a box of bleach on a shelf.
“Ya got any of the new flavor of bath salts?” he inquired.
“Don’t you mean scent?”
She pointed out the location and he put it in his shopping cart. He ignored the sound of the box of bleach falling to the ground and the woman’s curses. Time to check out!
At the register, his total came to $37.62 and upon reaching into his pants, only an old, moldy taco came out.
“I can pay ya tomorrow, but the wife really need this stuff today!”
“No. You can come back—”
Before the cashier finished speaking, Frank had the plastic bag in hand and was already in motion toward the door with store security in hot pursuit. A flip-flop flew off his foot and hit the store security guard in the face. This brief distraction was enough to allow him to escape.
The sounds of sirens stalked his steps as he hustled home. She was going to be upset with him if he brought the police back to their home again this week, so he made a detour toward the beach.
When he reached the edge of the ocean, he pulled off his sweatpants, causing many a mother to shield the eyes of their children. He waded into the ocean and began bellowing an song older than than humanity.
Answering the summons, a manatee floated toward him. Frank hopped on its back and slapped its tail.
“Let’s go buddy! YEE-HAW!”
The police scrambled onto the beach as he floated away. One office drew his revolver, but the other held out a hand to stop him.
“Manatees are endangered. We can’t shoot. Looks like he got away this time.”