No One Died This Time!


Cleavus Rickshaw – Florida Man 1 – Has a rickshaw he carts his possessions around in. Has 3 Charisma.

Lubabrowfrow – Thief 1 – Rumor has it that I pronounced the character’s name correctly once.

Wyldstyle – Bard 1 – Likes edgy high-school-girl-goth-poetry.

François de la Croix – Explorer 1 – High Charisma. Wants to find what happened to his brother Louis.

Charlie – Paladin 1 – Henchman. Paladin of the Whey. Super jacked.

Eltina Joan – Bladedancer 1 – Henchwoman. No spells yet, so she is treated as expendable.

Horatio – Mage 1 – Henchman. Is the smartest and most handsome man in the world (other than the humble proprietor of this blog).


Cleavus awoke from being passed out drunk last session (aka, the player was here this time). He took all the nice clothes off, except the bowtie. That’s right, this Florida Man runs around in a bowtie and speedo. Let me find that picture of me in a speedo and post it…


Not me, but close enough.

He ran downstairs to get revenge on the people that dared to clean him and put clothes on him!!! They had been teleported into a room with no windows or doors, so he could not find them.

He did find the room with the shelf full of jewels, gold, Bitcoins, and Motörhead cassette tapes. This is the room that teleported the rest of the party into the room with no windows or doors. He held back his Florida Man nature and tried to plan.

For some reason (I later found out that he is trying to break his cursed sword), he tried to use his cursed magic sword to break the ceiling. After a few minutes, he broke through to the first floor. The merchant came over to the hole and yelled at him. Cleavus lowered a rope and net to try to scoop up the valuables, but the rope and net passed through. Frustrated, he tried to grab them with his hands, but got teleported into the room with the others.

The rest of the party was busy while this happened. By busy, I mean Wyldstyle the Bard looked at the ten sarcophaguses, and wrote a poem called Thanatopsis II: Electric Boogaloo.

The arrival of Cleavus confused them, but after some quick introductions and forgiveness, they agreed to work together.

They looked at each sarcophagus and tried to see if there were any differences between them. Importantly, they stated that they did NOT touch them. Only looked.

That is some minor #elite play right there. Specifying not just what they do, but what they are not doing.

I said that the ten sarcophagi had the same geometric pattern on them. They all looked the same. When pressed as to what the geometric pattern was, I panicked. Hadn’t thought that far ahead. So my brain traveled back in time to a simple geometric pattern I remembered from middle school.

These stupid “S” things

Horatio the Mage figured that there must be something in the room that would reverse the polarity of the teleportation circle and let them all out. With fear and trembling, they opened one of the sacrophagusen to see if there was something inside.

Of course, the one they chose actually had the gem that reversed the teleportation circle. A 10% chance to get it on the first try and they did it. Someone must have been playing #skyclad.

Rather than see if there was any wealth in the other sarchophageese, they left posthaste.

One last attempt was made to claim the treasure that teleported them into the room, but it was proven to be illusionary, even the Motörhead cassette tapes. One of my players may have threatened to kill me. If that happens, I deserve it.

In any case, the party continued their mission to clear the dungeon for the merchant who is totally not in love with the acolyte of J.E.B. and will not turn this place into a home for his cult (The Branch Floridians).

The found a room with a gelatinous cube in it, won initiative, and closed the door on it. Wonder how the merchant will react when they tell him the basement is clear of monsters, but it actually isn’t. Hmm…

They found a room full of coins. All scattered across the floor. While trying to collect them, the party ran afoul of some Florida Men.

A good reaction roll and jug of whisky later, the Florida Men became friends with the party. They warned of some Bobgoblins deeper in the dungeon and started drinking. The party questioned the Florida Men.

“Did you mean hobgoblins?”

“No, they are Bobgoblins.”

“What are they like?”

“Goblins, but bigger.”

“So, like hobgoblins?”

“Yes and no. They are Bobgoblins.”

With that clarifying conversation out of the way, the party went in search of the Bobgoblins. Not only is the gelatinous cube still out there, so are the Florida Men. The merchant won’t be pleased that there are still monsters in the basement!

Along the way, they came upon a partially-finished room. One of my players, who is quite familiar with work safety, asked if a particular OSHA-compliant sign was in the room. I said there was not the OSHA-compliant sign. There was a sign that simply said:


Apparently, that’s not good enough.

Eventually, they find the Bobgoblins, who the party asks to leave the dungeon. The Bobgoblins give a counter-offer: kill the merchant and let the Bobgoblins stay. The party just kills the Bobgoblins and takes their loot.

Now what is a Bobgoblin?

I just renamed a thoul. I had been reading about D&D monsters and heard about thouls. I have no idea if this is true, but this link talks about the origin of the thoul. It might be from a typo when someone meant to to type “ghoul”, so a new monster was created.

Still a bit more of the basement to explore, so I imagine that is what will happen next time.


Honest Ivan – Venturer 1 – Shot through the heart by a goblin arrow – Died in session played on the 7th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

TORDEK, SON OF TORDEK – Dwarven Vaultguard 1 – Poison needle trap on the door – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Leopold – Pig – Bitten by a fire beetle – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Snookums – Thief 1 -??? – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Ralphina – Anti-Paladin 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Louis de la Croix – Shaman 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Attheu – Elven Enchanter 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Fake Snookums – Thief 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

4 thoughts on “No One Died This Time!

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