Decapitation As First Aid


Cleavus Rickshaw – Florida Man 1 – Has a rickshaw he carts his possessions around in. Has 3 Charisma.

Lubabrowfrow – Thief 1 – Rumor has it that I pronounced the character’s name correctly once.

Wyldstyle – Bard 1 – Likes edgy high-school-girl-goth-poetry.

François de la Croix – Explorer 1 – High Charisma. Wants to find what happened to his brother Louis.

Charlie – Paladin 1 – Henchman. Paladin of the Whey. Super jacked.

Eltina Joan – Bladedancer 1 – Henchwoman. No spells yet, so she is treated as expendable.

Horatio – Mage 1 – Henchman. Is the smartest and most handsome man in the world (other than the humble proprietor of this blog).


Something I neglected to mention last time was the rumor-giver who gave the rumor about her cousin getting kidnapped by a Skunk Ape promised Cleavus that she would go on a date with him if he brought the cousin back. This was convenient because Cleavus’s player was not available this session.

Well, the party rescued the cousin, so they took her back to town. Looking over the list of rumors, they saw one about witches. Looking at the one-armed Horatio, they decided to visit a witch to see if she could re-attach his arm.

Totally a trustworthy person to perform life-saving magic.

Of course, the witch lives outside town. And, of course, the religious townspeople generally don’t like witches. So, the party decided to visit the witch while Cleavus was on his date with the rumor-giver. And, since they have a Paladin with them, they sent the Paladin on a date with the rescued cousin at the same time. A double-date!

Now, they can visit the witch in peace. She agrees to re-attach Horatio’s arm for 500 gp or if the party brings her some children (or a tied up priest). They pay the gold.

A day later, they return and Horatio is right as rain. His arm is re-attached and he is ready to adventure. There will no lasting consequences from this. 😉

The party asks the witch if she has need of anything (other than children and priests).

She states that she would pay for the following items:

Siren vocal cords (300 gp each)
Venom sacs from venomous animals (300 gp each)
Manatee brains (1,000 gp each)

Now, as every Floridian knows, YOU DO NOT MESS WITH MANATEES. Perhaps you feed them some lettuce, but you do not harass or kill them. Even the most meth-addled Florida Man knows better than to harm a manatee!

The party follows up on a tip from the witch about a dungeon that may have sirens in it. Remember, Cleavus and Charlie, their two biggest and beefiest party members are not with them. I guess the dates were pretty successful. I will reveal what happened the next time Cleavus is part of the session.

They buy some local maps (to get a bonus on Navigation checks through the swamp) and set out for the dungeon that allegedly has sirens in it. Along the way, the party came upon some Branch Floridians around a bloody altar. Raftborne ballistae made short work of them. Among the dead, a treasure map was found. At this time, the party has not gone after the treasure, but went straight into the dungeon..

The first thing they encountered upon entering the dungeon were three water-logged zombies. The bladedancer tried to turn them, but failed spectacularly. They advanced on the party and bite Eltina Joan. Water dribbled out of her mouth and she fell to the ground. The zombie munched on her drowning body and the party desperately fought them off.

At the end of combat, they approached Eltina’s body and, due to fear that she would rise as a zombie, cut her head off. As one player pointed out, that is an interesting way of performing first aid. The surviving party left the dungeon and spent a couple nights on their rafts to heal up naturally. During one night, a meth’d up wild boar came by. Using the wilderness escape rules, the party successfully got away (Explorers are a great class because they give a bonus to the escape roll).

The more I play ACKS, the more I learn about its systems and the way everything works together. It’s a wonderful system.

Before the session ended, the party went back down into the dungeon and came across more Branch Floridians. With a great reaction roll and playing it cool, a fight was avoided. The party mentioned that they found an altar surrounded by bodies of other Branch Floridians (they conveniently neglected to mention how those Branch Floridians died) and buried the bodies.

When asked if the burial was proper and the hands of the dead collected, the party responded that they gave the hands to some other Branch Floridians. The group in the dungeon was relieved that the hands of the dead cultists were given to the cult, so they could clap for the Judicious Ecstasy Bringer forever.

Inventing a fake religion is weird, man. How did L. Ron Hubbard do it with a straight face?

In a surprising turn of events, the party let the cultists go; they let them walk out. Or, as a player said, “We’ll let them guac out.”

Alexa, these puns are out of control. Play “The Seer’s Tower” by Sufjan Stevens from his Illinois album .


Honest Ivan – Venturer 1 – Shot through the heart by a goblin arrow – Died in session played on the 7th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

TORDEK, SON OF TORDEK – Dwarven Vaultguard 1 – Poison needle trap on the door – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Leopold – Pig – Bitten by a fire beetle – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Snookums – Thief 1 -??? – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Ralphina – Anti-Paladin 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Louis de la Croix – Shaman 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Attheu – Elven Enchanter 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Fake Snookums – Thief 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Eltina Joan – Bladedancer 1 – Drowned by water-logged zombie / decapacitated by the party – Died in session played on the 19th of December in the year of Our Lord 2021.

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